People want to be connected with each other, to feel they belong somewhere – within families, communities, clubs and school.  Belonging matters for psychological health and wellbeing.  This begins with relationships where you feel you matter, are valued and have things to offer.

But many don’t seem to know where to begin – let alone grow positive connections.  From disastrous dating experiences to making assumptions about others, this is having a negative impact at many levels – in couples, families and the wider community.

Healthy interactions exist where people are interested in each other and how they are doing.  In our increasingly narcissistic world this fundamental principle is often missing. How many have been to a social function or conference, and met someone new? When you stop asking them about themselves the conversation stops – they do not show any interest in finding out about you.  I am reminded of someone who met her new date at a bar at 6pm. Let’s call him Nigel. He talked only about himself, his opinions and interests and laughed at his own jokes.  After several hours Nigel said what a good time he’d had and asked when they going to meet again!  She could have interrupted the flow, but kept hoping he would ask at least one question about her. He is far from being the only one lacking self-awareness and paucity of relational skill, some of these becoming ‘incels’ – involuntary celibate men who blame women for their lack of sexual experience.

With many of us living our lives online there is less opportunity or motivation to learn to interact positively with others beyond a restricted context. Which brings me to education. Someone once said: We might need to improve reading skills in this country, but we don’t have a crisis in literacy in the same way we have a relationship crisis.

If children don’t develop positive social perspectives and skills within their family, then this has to be a priority in education.  The pillars of ‘learning to be’ and ‘learning to live together’ need to be embedded from the moment a child enters pre-school until the day they leave, not just once a term but every day.  All children and young people need opportunities to get to know each other, what they have in common, and what is wonderfully unique in each of us. They need to know how to do that by asking good questions, listening and responding to the answers and have encouragement to regularly practice these skills.  We owe it to all young people, including those who grow up wanting to belong but not knowing how. And also ensure that those who do know how to relate well are inclusive and reach out to others.  Maths is important but can only get you so far in life, positive relationships are what makes it worth living.